Emotional Day

I watched the first train come into Frankfurt, tears streaming down my cheeks. I have been able to do nothing at all for years. I used to write, translate, send out appeals, petition governments, I used to DO something for these people, for nearly a decade. I did not have to just sit and watch in an agony of waiting as I have been doing. Something is finally happening now, not enough, not soon enough, but it is happening.

I wish every refugee, everywhere, was met with such open arms. I wish all of us experienced such kindness, just once, to maintain our faith in the goodness of humanity. I have experienced it, as a domestic violence refugee in my own country. I love my country and the people in it. What he told me was all wrong. The American people are lovely, kind souls. No one has harmed me, since him. No one has even overcharged me.

I want always to be capable of kindness, myself.

He took away my work and my connections and my freedom, but he cannot freeze my heart. I want to be the best human I can be. I don’t want to be less than humane.

The worst part of PTSD is the irritability, the impatience. That is not me. That is my PTSD. I am so ashamed of it. I was always known for my supernatural patience, before him. I fear he beat it out of me. More than anything I want it back.

I want to help someone again. I want to make a difference. The small things I do are not enough to feed my soul.

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “Emotional Day

  1. You DO make a difference. Every day that you wake up, smile, make breakfast and are there, present, for your children, you make a difference. Every time you bare a little bit of your soul to the Internet, to us hungry readers, you make a difference. Every time you say a prayer for your children, for your country, for the refugees around the world, you make a difference. With every breath, with every heartbeat, you make a difference, because you are important and you matter. You are doing your very best in your corner of the world. Very few people have a global impact. Very few are able to. But what each of us can do, and what I strive to do every day as I read about you doing the same, is make life a little bit brighter for those few I come into contact with. I shine my light in the ways I know how, and I pray it will make a difference. I know you do the same. You matter.

  2. You do make a difference.

    I am writing a post in my mind that touches on some of what you said. I don’t know how quick I can write it, though, because it will … take some reliving.

  3. I love your kindness and understanding toward children who are having difficulties, even those who’ve been rough on your kids.most kids with behavioral issues never see that. I am glad you are there for them.

  4. You are an excellent writer and person. Keep being you.

    By the way, you’ve been chosen as one of today’s nine blogs in That’s So Jacob’s Ninth Month Blog Challenge (http://www.thatssojacob.wordpress.com)! I challenge you to find nine blogs you find interesting and give them a comment to brighten their day…well, eight other blogs and mine 🙂 Copy this message in your comment and enjoy your new blog friends!

  5. Thank you for sharing this

  6. Reclaiming myself

    I can relate to some of this. I used to help people in my work at a shelter for teenagers, and as a mentor to kids in social services. I also had a lot of friends that came to me for help. I miss being that person, but I have been isolated for so many years now, prevented from working, forced to cut off both careers and relationships that were meaningful to me.

    Regardless of my circumstances, I pray that my kindness in the limited interactions I have with others does hold some value. I also have had teachers, doctors, and others compliment me on how well I am doing with my kids, that they see the result of my efforts. I know that others see that about you as well. I certainly do when reading your blog. You have my gratitude and admiration for being who you are and sharing your story with others.

    • Yes, I do need to be content with how far my kids have come, it surprises me, still! It is nice to see that I am not the only one struggling with this, it is hard to step away from a cause, and I suppose it hit me harder because I did not apply for the DV advocate position last month. Thank you for your support, I know your efforts are not wasted, because you made a difference to me.

  7. I understand wanting to have your old self back. Oh how I understand.

    Please know that through your words and your honesty, you have made (and continue to make) a profound difference in the life of this one stranger.

  8. You may not see all the ways you make a difference in the lives of others….I am always uplifted by your words and responses to my writing. Just knowing that there is another person who understands and relates to what I experience, brings me hope! You are a blessing…may doors open before you as you continue being a light for others.

  9. Yes. You do make a difference. Even in writing about your sense of shame over your PTSD you made a difference. I woke up feeling that shame this morning and felt some of it release when I read your post,

    You make a difference in the lives of the people you touch….the center of your being has not changed….what’s changed is that you have incurred a wound, it is healing and it will leave a scar but it will also leave you with a new kind of power to draw from the memory of the pain to heal others.

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