I have not been doing well. I am very stressed out, though I have been more so in previous years. I am trying to focus on the positives and in the process of that I feel like nothing gets resolved. I want to pull my brain out and examine it. I wish my easy going therapist was a psychoanalyst, who would hammer away at my issues until all that was left was me.
I don’t want to get depressed, I don’t want to be lonely, I want to recognize my successes. I am far too ambitious and accomplish far too little to ever properly be satisfied.
I am so very afraid. I am afraid of being found, despite the help of the DA where I moved from and Secretary of State in my new state. I am afraid the children will blame me, despite saving them. I am afraid my middle child will never be happy and my oldest will never be self sufficient. I am terrified that my normal child will feel neglected amid the demands of her special needs siblings.
I am worried that the family critics are correct, that by demanding little from my children to decrease their stress and increase their healing that I am in fact making them dependent and not letting them see how competent they are.
I am ashamed that I cannot conceal my irritation for my mother from my mother. I am ashamed that I have internalized her rejection again and have found myself back at age twelve, asking her to be my friend with my heart in my mouth. I should have grown past that years ago. Should have gotten over it the moment she told me I was not her problem when I cried to her that I did not want to be on the street at eighteen. I should have gotten over it at eighteen. I should have left and not looked back. She did not want to be my parent, so I should have stopped looking to her as one. Why did it begin to bother me when I had my own kids? I want to let it all go.
I am frustrated that I have not taken the entry tests yet for community college. Surely it is easy to flunk the math and pass the rest? All I have to do is get a sitter and then go. I will never start if I don’t do it step by step. Why am I standing in my own way like this?
Yoga. I am going to try yoga. Fifteen minutes.