Self Analysis

I have not been doing well. I am very stressed out, though I have been more so in previous years. I am trying to focus on the positives and in the process of that I feel like nothing gets resolved. I want to pull my brain out and examine it. I wish my easy going therapist was a psychoanalyst, who would hammer away at my issues until all that was left was me.

I don’t want to get depressed, I don’t want to be lonely, I want to recognize my successes. I am far too ambitious and accomplish far too little to ever properly be satisfied.

I am so very afraid. I am afraid of being found, despite the help of the DA where I moved from and Secretary of State in my new state. I am afraid the children will blame me, despite saving them. I am afraid my middle child will never be happy and my oldest will never be self sufficient. I am terrified that my normal child will feel neglected amid the demands of her special needs siblings.

I am worried that the family critics are correct, that by demanding little from my children to decrease their stress and increase their healing that I am in fact making them dependent and not letting them see how competent they are.

I am ashamed that I cannot conceal my irritation for my mother from my mother. I am ashamed that I have internalized her rejection again and have found myself back at age twelve, asking her to be my friend with my heart in my mouth. I should have grown past that years ago. Should have gotten over it the moment she told me I was not her problem when I cried to her that I did not want to be on the street at eighteen. I should have gotten over it at eighteen. I should have left and not looked back. She did not want to be my parent, so I should have stopped looking to her as one. Why did it begin to bother me when I had my own kids? I want to let it all go.

I am frustrated that I have not taken the entry tests yet for community college. Surely it is easy to flunk the math and pass the rest? All I have to do is get a sitter and then go. I will never start if I don’t do it step by step. Why am I standing in my own way like this?

Yoga. I am going to try yoga. Fifteen minutes.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Self Analysis

  1. Sending prayers your way. You will do it when you are ready to take that step.

  2. I stood in my own way for a very long time (in some ways I still am) because the person I most needed to rebuild trust with was myself. With the world that I moved in, and where I had been hurt so deeply. Trust-building takes time. Learning how to not treat myself the way my abuser had — with orders, coercion, and fear — and instead to coax myself forward — with self-love, trust, and courage — took a long time, just to begin.

    I’m sorry it’s hard right now. I am sure that things will get better, though probably not on a time table you desire.

    I am actually very glad to hear your therapist does NOT just “hammer away” (though I understand your desire). I believe you deserve a word where no one “hammers away” at you as a means of getting you to do something, even things you yourself *want* to be doing. When your mind and heart feel safe, you will stop standing in your own way.

    You will move.
    You will FLY.

  3. I hope you are right. I have to show these kids how to do it! Nothing has happened as quickly as I wanted it to. When I look back, it seems I have come a long way and very quickly, but when looking forward, it seems a tall wall I will never manage to climb.
    I never thought I would have to relearn my own self so that I could keep growing and doing what I need to do. I always just took me for granted, until I felt inadequate before the challenges that life brings.
    You never realize what you had until you realize it is gone. So cheesy, and so true.

  4. I hope you find your inner strength. It is right there, around the corner. Life’s downs can be frustrating, heart-wrenching, plummeting but they make the life’s highs worthy and sweeter.
    I hope you find the answers to your troubles. Prayers coming your way..

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