The Fastest Way to Piss Me Off

Is to tell me you don’t like my kids because of their special needs.

Because when you complain about my autistic child’s table manners, that is what you are doing. When people cannot feel sensations on their mouth and chin, they will not learn to eat properly. You can try to teach them to clean it up when they are done. When they have no awareness of personal space or distance, they are going to miscalculate leaning over their plate or how to position their plate. You can teach them to clean it up, to press their tummy to the table, but because they are autistic and ADHD, they will forget. I think he does very well.

Because when you complain about my PTSD child not speaking openly with you, not trusting that you have good intentions, then what you are complaining about is his PTSD. When you complain about him leaving the table, to feed the squirrels his cherry pits, you are complaining about his good heart, fueled by his ADHD, and that might be even worse of you. His PTSD will not get better if you confirm to him that he oughtn’t trust you by criticizing his kind deeds.

Special needs kids need guidance and support rather than their grandmother’s rejection.

And certainly do not complain that you don’t have conversations with the children, not when the baby chatters away at you and you tell her to “go read a book”. Because she is four, not stupid, and you hurt her feelings. That is why she is reluctant to speak to you.

My kids do not have supportive family. It makes me feel like I am crazy- again.

I remember being so depressed as a child that I would beg God to let me die and I tried to commit suicide at eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. I could not handle the constant correction, emotional rejection, sibling abuse, and criticism. I could not handle the lack of concern for my well being. I did not even learn how to wash my hair until I was well into adulthood, because my mother did not do it, nor did she teach me. My father tried, and it upset me so much that I could not learn from him how to do it. He should have showed me over the sink as he washed his own hair, instead of putting me naked into a tub-it just shamed me.

I remember it all too vividly when I look at my own children in my mother’s presence. I am terrified they will fall into such a mental decline. No one liked me as a child, either. Well, my best friend’s mother did. One.

I want them to be happy. What I have been doing so far has been working, and what I have been doing has been to support and encourage them, teach rather than criticize. I am going to keep doing it, to give them their best shot at getting through school. I hope I can help them with college.

I hated eating with my mother when I was a child. Hated it. I still prefer to eat alone.



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15 responses to “The Fastest Way to Piss Me Off

  1. Thumbup

    Wow. I am sorry. I bet your children is so happy to have you as their mom. I am impressed at how hard you are fighting for your children. So shameful at how other people treat others mean. Bless you. You’re amazing.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. When you were talking about your childhood, I got it. I get it. At least I had my parents who loved me regardless, but every other adult in my life looked down on me with disdain and let me know it, locked me in closets to get rid of me (even teachers), etc., and I didn’t understand why. What I did understand as young as age 5 was that I had been born damaged and seemingly born to be hated. How hard you fight for your kids amazes me. Keep doing what you do and know that I appreciate every word I read.

    • I am so sorry this happened to you. I don’t understand why anyone would approach a child with criticism instead of love. I hope you have support and a loving rapport with your inner child. That is something I need to work on!

  3. I am so glad you fight for your kids. Maybe you shouldn’t have your mom around your kids. She sounds toxic.

    • Luckily for them she said most of this in private. But I don’t think she should visit. She has expectations that are not realistic. She is also on the decline, so perhaps should not travel…

  4. I’m so sorry for how your mother seems unable to appreciate your children for all their beautiful strengths and uniqueness. I am sorry she did not appreciate you for your own beauty and strength — not as a child, and (sounds like) not today.

    At the same time, how wonderful that your children have *you* in their corner as they grow up! The reflection of themselves that they see in your eyes is infinitely more important and influential than any pain that a visiting grandmother may cause them.

    ❤ to you all.

    • Thank you, she has decided to cut her visit a day short, so that makes it a little easier! I really want my kids to just believe in themselves and be happy with who they are. Nothing else seems as important.

      • You are important, and they are important. You and your kiddos all deserve to believe in yourselves.

        I’m glad you’ll have your space fully back soon — parent visits can get awfully rough, even when the underlying relationships are not fraught!

      • Thank you! I need all the support I can get. I am not very proud of being resentful. I would prefer to have perfect control and be a perfect host, but I am not. I did send her on her way with a letter to her doctor.. so hopefully she will get a brain scan and I can find out if I can blame dementia…

      • “Perfect” is a darn tall order, under any circumstances. Hard for any human to achieve, even briefly, and impossible over any length of time. From everything you’ve described, I’d say it sounds like you did a fantastic job: you soothed your children when they needed you; you kept your temper to your mother’s face — and used your blogging spaces to get your frustrations out; you spent a fun (if tiring!) day at the zoo! A+ performance!!!!

  5. Ah, thank you. You are a balm to my soul!

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