Monthly Archives: July 2015

A Grievous Incident

Our beloved unmedicated neighbor boy, who I mentioned in my last post, has managed to seriously hurt a much older child. Last night he knocked out a thirteen year old girl, with a plastic sword covered in duct tape. She has a concussion and has to stay in her darkened house. Not a great way to spend a summer day, or days.

She has had a CAT scan, and they said she can now sleep without worry. She looks very affected, and her nose is also broken. I am very sorry for her. She is a sweet girl, very good with younger children, a naturally nice person.

Her mother is not so sure about letting her daughter play outside anymore… it happened when she was just ten feet away.

In the shelter I had to keep my children apart from other children a great deal of the time, because my children were violent or their children were violent or abusive in other ways. It is just what had to be done to keep everyone safe. It was very difficult, more so because we lived in one room and had next to no toys. The only thing to do was to be outside, where all the other children were. It was very hard to keep them apart. It was heartbreaking to watch them react with violence to nearly everything. All the children there needed professional help.

Just as we started the neighborhood on Capture the Flag and Four Square, this threw a wrench into our newly forged bonds. I don’t know what will happen, but I feel sorry for everyone. I hope our neighbor boy is okay. He was having such a hard time and I am sure he feels worse now.

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Body and Brain and Heart- Refusing to Work Together Without Intervention

My son has to take medications every day to be “normal”. So far the meds are mostly effective, though this is our third try on the right combination. For now, it works. It is a real worry, I always wonder how long they will work or when they will stop working, and will something else work as well, or is this just a lull? His body is growing too fast for them to work very long.
I always remind him this is how his brain is wired, that he is not defined by his illness. He perceives his life before medication as “when he was bad”. I do my very best to correct him, gently, so he will be forgiving and accepting of himself.

My neighbor’s son is off his medication right now. He is exactly like my son is without his meds, always in trouble. The inner torment is terrifying. These kids who have no control know that they are doing wrong, they just are helpless to stop it, as much a victim as any other. They end up hating themselves, hating the body and brain that won’t cooperate with their good little hearts. They wish themselves dead. They are miserable. No kid should have to live like that. Mental illness is not their fault.

The next time you see a child acting up, please don’t condemn him or her, nor the parents. If you have to say something, just say something neutral, not anything shaming or blaming. “We don’t do that.” or “Time for the next activity!” Even better: “Hey, I like that shirt, where did you get it?” Just natter on at them about Spiderman, because a creature that occupies multiple universes is awesome, and very distracting. Children need our support, not our condemnation. Show them how to resolve the situation without negativity. Because they already get that elsewhere, trust me.

Yesterday my unmedicated neighbor boy hurt my son, more than once. The first time I was looking the other way, and I don’t know what prompted it, if it were accidental or not. The second time they were horsing around, play-fighting, which my son is not allowed to do in case he really hurts another child (only dedicated diligence prevented this in his earlier years). I told him to stop. He did not.

He got accidentally hit in the mouth and now has a wiggly tooth. He cried a lot and ate some ice, but the best part was his reaction. He did not hit back, either time. He did not lash out. He came to me for help. I am so proud of him for doing the right thing, both times. He has come so far, in his learning. Not all of it is medication, he is making good choices, too.

I told our neighbor boy that my son is not allowed to play fight anymore. I said someone always seems to get hurt, it’s just not a good idea. He was in agreement. We also agreed it is probably better to play games instead, and more fun. Hopefully he remembers. I know our conversation did not hurt his feelings. He is having a really hard time without his medicine, I did not want to make him feel worse. He is a very good kid. He just has no control right now. I know how it is. I have a son like that.

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Porn

My son and his friend were watching something on the friend’s phone and quickly turned it away when I approached. I asked them if they were watching something inappropriate, and my own son lied to me and told me no.

He said they were cleaning the back of the phone. I knew he was covering for something.

I told them both that I trusted them to make good decisions on what they watch, and that they are not allowed to watch anything inappropriate. I reminded them that they had a choice. They asked to sit in full view of everyone at the picnic table. I consented.

A minute later they were gone.

The mother of the other boy and myself were looking around for them, and when the other mother found them she snatched the phone away. They had been on YouTube, watching women flash their chests.

My son was sent to his room immediately.

I came up later and informed him he was off electronics for a week. I reminded him that I had taught him all his life not to look at people’s private parts and not to show his own. I asked him how he felt watching those videos and he had nothing to say about his own reaction. He did admit to seeing videos. I told him I know boys can be curious, but that looking at people’s private parts being used for display can hurt his brain. He asked how. I explained it was not natural, like a squirrel eating candy. The candy hurts the squirrel, because it is not the squirrel’s natural food. I told him he has seen me feed his baby sister a hundred times and had no interest, but that this is interesting to him because these women were doing something unnatural with their bodies. Viewing this unnatural display can change how his brain works, and affect his future relationship/s.

I explained to him that he should only explore this interest with a woman he loves and has committed to, and that he should think about how she would feel knowing he had been looking at others before her. I asked him how he would feel, to know his wife was interested in others in such a way before meeting him, and he admitted he would not like it. I told him he has to wait until he is older and has consent.

He wanted to know why women would do that, show their private parts on screen. I told him there are many reasons. Some might not know it is unnatural and undignified. I told him some might do it for money, and if so, then he is taking advantage of their poverty. He should give them money or help, not have them debase themselves for it. I told him no matter the reason, it is not done in our culture and so he is being disrespectful of them, to watch. I asked him how he would feel if I did that, and he laughed at the absurdity of it.

I told him there are plenty of places where women do not wear tops. There are places in the world where tops are optional for both genders, but that in our country women wear them. I reminded him again that he is supposed to look away when someone is indecent, not stare or point or laugh.

He had to stay in his room tonight.

Later when his baby sister flashed her behind at him he wouldn’t look, and came to tell me about it. I reminded him of the time he asked me to leave the room and shut the door so he could change in private. I told him these are the right choices to make, to keep himself private and respect the privacy of others, even if they themselves violate it by putting themselves on display.

I asked him to make good choices so I can rebuild my trust in him. I told him the lying hurt my feelings.

I locked up our devices through Chrome and YouTube and instructed my kids they may not use anyone else’s without becoming grounded. I have to download some sort of parental control next. I have a week to get it in place.

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