Anniversary Triggers and Guilt

Last year at this time my oldest son first became afraid of being alone.

My youngest boy’s medication stopped working, suddenly, prompting a scramble for a better fit.

We are coming up on the anniversary of leaving. I am trying to prep for it, it caught me off guard last year.

This week I had seven commitments. One of which was a sport, so six appointments and one sport. I have three of them tomorrow afternoon. Earlier in the week I was a wreck.
It felt like I had not taken my medication. I became short tempered. I caught it, I told the children something was not right, I needed to be alone for a bit after dinner, I did not feel well. I don’t know why I was triggered. Anniversary? Finding out my cholesterol was too high? The number of appointments? I hadn’t felt antsy and impatient and touchy like that for a long time.

I forgot to take my GABA supplement for a few days a week or so ago, and I had some of the same feeling. I shouldn’t be taking it any longer. I have been on it for months. I love it, though. If I forget that or my vitamins I can feel the PTSD creeping up the base of my neck and shortening my temper. It feels like a pressure rising in the top of my head. Like a fake pressure. I cannot explain it. A tension, I suppose would be the closest I can come. I ought to try with glutamate instead, it is supposed to be safer. Some are of the opinion that GABA does not reach the brain, but some insist that the weight of the testimonials prove that it does. It is not the sort of thing you should take long term. I don’t know which is true, I swear often the internet just compounds the issue. I just know I feel more like the pre-trauma me, if I take it.

I Googled PTSD support groups in my area. Of course, they are only for veterans. The Army would not take me. I tried to become a veteran. It just did not pan out. Probably the only option for support is to go back to the DV group. By now there must be more than four attending. But most of them don’t have PTSD. I want to talk about that, not my trauma. Which is why I have PTSD, ironically. From not talking about it. Meant to post some intrusive thought stuff… right.

I hope the next month goes well. If my son’s anxiety gets any worse, I would have to put him on tranquilizers. I have to remember to get him his L-Theanine on a regular basis, and to slip my own supplement into my bag for his doc to look at tomorrow. I want her opinion for the both of us.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Anniversary Triggers and Guilt

  1. Good luck to both of you…Positively thinking that everything will work out fine.

  2. I hope and pray you both will feel better soon and get all the help you need. It does help a lot to talk of what we are going through , to have an understanding ear that will seen and help us overcome them. I am going through some huge anxiety and panic episodes myself, almost tempted to seek my doctor’s help. Been meditating more and doing a lot of soul searching. So many many of them are human caused so I am praying to let go of each pain and bitterness. Some I believe is already an effect of biochemical abnormalities from so many environmental factors and unhealthy lifestyle, stress included. Been reading more about alkalization and how it can reverse many of our bodily sickness and ailments. We can get them from natural foods or weight based supplements. The last few months has been my calmer, happier mode, feel healthier and younger too. I still do have occasional outburst but not like the daily awful feeling I used to have. Take care my friend. I believe things will get better…sometimes it just takes a little longer than we hope them to be.

    • I am on a beta blocker. It doesn’t mess with my mind at all, it just keeps my heart rate down so that I never have a panic attack. Might be worth a try. Super safe medication!

  3. Good luck. You guys have each other.

  4. I too wish you luck. The word Trigger caught my eye.

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