Monthly Archives: April 2015

Too Many Phone Calls in One Day!

Today I got a phone call that my younger son had been accepted in the charter school, so now he will be attending with my older son. The charter school that people have been putting their ADHD kids into and then stopping their medication- with no issues.
I started to cry when she told me. I was so happy.
I got a call from the mechanic, who had our car for the day. He had some bad news, the repairs required would cost four times the expected amount. I knew he was right, so I authorized him to go ahead.
An hour before work let out, he called to let me know that he had been delivered the wrong parts, and my car was inoperable and needed to spend the night. The mechanic is down the street from my work, and miles from home.
Single mother, ten miles from children, no car. So scary! I was ready to go Mama Bear.
Luckily my dearest friend (ever) came through. Her car is parked outside, but I was unable to retrieve the car seats from the mechanic. This is where I am glad I live by the daycare. We walk, no problem!
So I was up and down and all over the place. Just emotionally exhausted by the time I got home to host Oldest Son’s caseworker (I got him one because of the ASD, I thought she would have better resources), who does not know the price of the equine therapy. That makes me so nervous. I could probably afford it, but the major car repair and the increase in medication costs make me, well, nervous about expenses. Tax returns don’t last forever! I should find out the pricing next week.
The good news, though, is coming.
My anxious autistic son is better! He did not fight his bath time at all. He came upstairs for it easily, readily, and was fairly relaxed. I refused to give into his anxiety and encouraged him to think through it when he was afraid to go into the bathroom, and he didn’t do too badly. I think he is coming back to himself. I hope so, it is not easy to be a bully who is constantly terrified of fictitious characters and the dark and being alone and being without an adult and.. everything. I have no reports of him bullying, lately. I hope that means there is none.
I only did dinner and gave information to the caseworker tonight. No laundry, no cleaning, and I am trying not to kick myself for it nor feel guilty about it. Let me go pack their snacks before I forget.

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Changes From The Psychiatric Nurse

We were lucky to get into an appointment today to see the psychiatric nurse, our scheduled appointment happened to be set for the same time as Middle Son’s first ever school concert! Had to cancel that one!

She thinks there is far more PTSD in play than we suspect, that the ADHD and the ASD are perhaps contributing less to the concentration issues than the PTSD symptoms are.

I buy that. I cannot remember anything, anymore, and I cannot keep my own concentration going long enough to finish a board game, which is something that I feel guilty about.

There is not much else to do about it, though, than what I am already doing and increasing the meds a bit. She made notes on our Thera Tapper, she had never heard of it before. I am so glad that I own one. It stops meltdowns, I swear.

I start Middle Son’s medication increase this weekend, so I can monitor him before sending him to school on a higher time release dose. This will double my cost out of pocket for the next few months, but it is the best option, and he deserves that. I am effectively making a car payment until my deductible kicks in.

Oldest Son will be doubling his medication and I do not anticipate any negative reaction, nor does the nurse, so I already upped his this evening. This will treat his PTSD more effectively, so it should help with his anxiety, too.

I am grateful I haven’t got a husband to pester me about cost or criticize the treatment plans that I have going for them. I can spend my money and my life on my kids, freely, and answer to no one about it except the professionals. As it should be. Thank goodness their father is not here to steal the money that I need for medication and enrichment classes.

School is nearly out, and Middle Son had far less trouble this year than I thought he would. I am also profoundly grateful to all the doctors and therapists and teachers who helped us get here.

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Emails From the Teacher

Middle Son’s teacher sent me an email. The title of which was Hmmmm..

Never a good sign, eh?

So his medication is too low. I cut a pill into four parts and he gets a piece three times a day plus a time release before bed. But still he is interrupting in class and has been often removed to a far table so class can proceed.

No wonder he has been crying that he does not want to go. I have tried him on a higher dose, and he fell asleep. He seems to be in between too high and too low.

Kids already pick on him for his speech issues. He claims they pick on him for his bad pictures, too. He was never interested in drawing. He would rather run about and kick a ball, always.

It breaks my heart. I reminded the school that he has a 504. I gave multiple suggestions.

Oldest son still has not been pulled out of his mainstream room for the entire day, he has to go back and forth three times, and it is a frustrated agony for him. He no longer has to deal with the ¨bully¨ para, though. Thank goodness. It took them nearly two months to follow that suggestion.

I hope the school is going to work with me on Middle Son if he does not make it into the charter school for next fall. It has taken so long to get his self esteem back up to acceptable, and I am going to be devastated if he goes back to hating himself because of his impulse issues and the negative feedback from his school. I wish I could homeschool. Single motherhood doesn’t leave many options, does it?

Seriously I am heartbroken for my boys. I just want them to enjoy their days.

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Anniversary Triggers and Guilt

Last year at this time my oldest son first became afraid of being alone.

My youngest boy’s medication stopped working, suddenly, prompting a scramble for a better fit.

We are coming up on the anniversary of leaving. I am trying to prep for it, it caught me off guard last year.

This week I had seven commitments. One of which was a sport, so six appointments and one sport. I have three of them tomorrow afternoon. Earlier in the week I was a wreck.
It felt like I had not taken my medication. I became short tempered. I caught it, I told the children something was not right, I needed to be alone for a bit after dinner, I did not feel well. I don’t know why I was triggered. Anniversary? Finding out my cholesterol was too high? The number of appointments? I hadn’t felt antsy and impatient and touchy like that for a long time.

I forgot to take my GABA supplement for a few days a week or so ago, and I had some of the same feeling. I shouldn’t be taking it any longer. I have been on it for months. I love it, though. If I forget that or my vitamins I can feel the PTSD creeping up the base of my neck and shortening my temper. It feels like a pressure rising in the top of my head. Like a fake pressure. I cannot explain it. A tension, I suppose would be the closest I can come. I ought to try with glutamate instead, it is supposed to be safer. Some are of the opinion that GABA does not reach the brain, but some insist that the weight of the testimonials prove that it does. It is not the sort of thing you should take long term. I don’t know which is true, I swear often the internet just compounds the issue. I just know I feel more like the pre-trauma me, if I take it.

I Googled PTSD support groups in my area. Of course, they are only for veterans. The Army would not take me. I tried to become a veteran. It just did not pan out. Probably the only option for support is to go back to the DV group. By now there must be more than four attending. But most of them don’t have PTSD. I want to talk about that, not my trauma. Which is why I have PTSD, ironically. From not talking about it. Meant to post some intrusive thought stuff… right.

I hope the next month goes well. If my son’s anxiety gets any worse, I would have to put him on tranquilizers. I have to remember to get him his L-Theanine on a regular basis, and to slip my own supplement into my bag for his doc to look at tomorrow. I want her opinion for the both of us.

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Feeling Awful

Our favorite neighbor, a boy the same age as my oldest, became upset with me tonight.
He is underweight. The doctor wants to get more calories in him. His mother has been trying to get him to eat more, plying him with sweets.
Tonight he was at my house for dinner time and he did not like what we were having. He ate nothing. When his own dinnertime was underway, I sent him home to get a bite, telling him to come back when he was done.
He was a bit miffed with me, but I told him again just to eat and come back to play. That we would wait for him.
He went home and threw an unholy fit. His mother was already exhausted. I felt awful. I went over there after it and I sat on the front step and I apologized and talked to him about his feelings and we cried a bit.
My son was sad that we could not have our usual time to play together with our neighbor.
I feel so responsible. I knew he was an EBD kid, like mine. I wish I had done something different so that this had never happened.

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Fearful and Phobic, My Son

My oldest son has taken his separation anxiety to a new level.
He cannot be alone in the same room any longer, and now he will start having hysterics in a room full of people if you mention to him that it is time to go to another room, because he is assuming that no one else is going with him. Assuming the worst, without reason. He has always been accommodated on his anxieties, he should know he can trust his family by now. Completely irrational fear.
I am second guessing my decision not to put a seven year old on SSRIs. I bought him some L-Theanine and will give that a go, first. Then I will wave my own supplement under a doctor’s nose and see what the doc thinks about adding GABA to the L-theanine. Because I cannot live without that combo.
I am so sorry for him. This has become a crippling anxiety, this paranoia.
I don’t know if it is from his PTSD or his autism. He says it is from watching movies. He has never seen a scary movie, it is your average PG fare, but he finds aspects of even those to be disturbing, like certain robots and etc.
So we have been on Tinkerbell and Strawberry Shortcake for two weeks during movie time.
I don’t know what else to do.
I have been giving him talks to hopefully make him feel empowered, about how he can out-think his fear, and I have been having him repeat after me, addressing his fear and telling it to go away and etc.
I have turned up the affection, brought back the ¨Caught You Being Good¨ tally sheet, and changed his medication as well as adding this supplement.
At first he beat it by carrying a Lego sword. Then with a flashlight. Now nothing works, not even his sister can accompany him, he insists on it being me. Today when we were waiting for his brother to come out of the locker room after swimming lesson he shadowed me, wherever I stood he stood, no more than a pace away, while playing an app on my phone. Without looking up, he followed me two steps this way or four that way, to always be at my elbow. I don’t mind, I just worry about what is happening in his brain and his nervous system, if he is always flooded with fear.
I suppose it is better than him running off.

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Charter School, or Not.

Today was my first meeting back with the parent group who the child psychologist had asked to begin a charter school.
She had planned on us having a speaker from a charter school on the same concept about an hour away, but as that did not work out, she asked us to talk about the charter school concept among ourselves instead.
After enduring some small talk about pizza I found a space in the conversation to mention that I am completely on board but limited on time due to my children’s appointments and my own work schedule. I listed what I could contribute, and even gave the time of day that I could donate my time.
Then the other parents started asking questions and I found out the hard way that I was the only one who had spent time researching the charter school laws and guidelines for our state.
Embarrassing. Were they not interested?
I am not an assertive person, and I am not a leader. I don’t even correct people when they mispronounce my name, unless they ask me how to say it. I am not the go-to person on charter schools. I am looking for the one who is going to pull this all together and take all the credit so I can meekly donate my time writing things and making phone calls.
I let another parent know, who has far more contacts than I, and suggested we get an FB page or a forum going on this.
We will see.

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