The School District Notices

I had a call from the Kindergarten teacher today. My oldest son has been acting out in school, behaving defiantly, having to sit out in gym class, throwing his backpack all over the class, unable to wait in lines.
Some of this, I am sure, is from winter weather. I cannot get them outside to work off their energy, and my oldest needs to run and play, utilizing his underdeveloped muscles, to keep his SPD under control. There is an indoor playground, but I cannot go often, as there is a fee. As there is gas required. As it is far way. As my car was only fixed yesterday. Sitting out in gym class will only make it worse. No heavy work means no proper sensory processing.
Today he had an awful sensory time before school, and at daycare, throwing himself on the floor as hard as he could, over and over. He looked just desperate to feel something, any kind of sensation, his face blank. Were I not having to leave, did I not have other children with more pressing issues of hygiene, I would have given him joint compressions. I could not. I had to go, right then. I am always having to go.
The teacher said today was manageable for her. She might implement a point system. I told her reward systems often work well to motivate him, he has ODD, please go ahead. She said she would keep me informed.
I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. I am at work, trying not to cry.
How much easier it was for their father, ignoring them, their disturbing behaviours, their violence. Stubbornly in denial, or beating it out of them when not.  Absenting from their lives. Having escaped him, now it is all on me.
Of course it was my fault in the first place, I was always told by their father. Their disorders and bad behaviours are my fault. The professionals tell me it is not my fault at all, but I do not want to excuse myself so easily. I do know that now it is my responsibility to help them to get over this, or at least teach them how to cope with it. Just me. No one else. No one else ever cared enough. I am not going to beat my already abused children into minding me. I cannot tell you how often I have been told to, even by professional victim advocates, even by family.
I go online, to soothe myself, by finding new techniques to address ODD with. The sites tell me how this is my fault, I have made them this way by giving in to tantrums. I have already heard this, I have not done this, and I am offended by the assumption. I click onto the techniques to reduce these behaviours. I am doing all of them, to my very best, already. Now I find myself despairing, when I wanted soothing.
I do know that I am lucky, I thought I would have to implement a special needs program for him, so that he could attend school at all.  I certainly never thought I would go until mid-December without a phone call from the school regarding his behaviours.
The cat is out of the bag, now. I hope it doesn’t snowball. Let this be the end of it, please.  


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4 responses to “The School District Notices

    • SPD is Sensory Processing Disorder. It was previously called Sensory Integration Dysfunction. It manifests in different ways, by the senses. Seeking and avoiding are the two classifications, and a child can be a mix of the two, as mine is seeking sensation physically, while trying to avoid hearing things that upset him (auditory dysfunction). I hope this clarifies.

  1. This is very interesting writing. Don’t listen to any experts who put a guilt trip on you. I think you cannot be effective in your love for your children unless you love yourself and have confidence in your position, your decisions. Anything you do to build yourself up is going to help the kids and I really hope you get lots of support from the blog. I admire what you are doing.

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