Today eldest son was ill again. I know, he is often ill. He is a special needs child, and gets more exhausted due to muscular developmental delay. He also has allergies. Hopefully that has something to do with his frequent illnesses, because otherwise there is no explanation at all, and that makes me look clueless. Looking clueless undermines my authority and self esteem. I avoid it at all costs. Today he was feverish again, complaining of a pain in his tummy. Flu season is starting.
If he has been a good boy at school, he gets Wii time after. Today when we got home, I put him to bed. I told him if he did as he was told and got some rest, he could play Wii when I saw he was doing better. He swallowed that, some toast, and a bowl of applesauce. Then, of course, he fell asleep.
I knew he would fall asleep. I deceived him. I was prepared to follow through. I would have allowed him to play, had he looked healthy. But I knew he wouldn’t make it to the Wii time. I, in effect, lied to him to keep him laying down, so he could rest enough to get over this sickness.
This has to be wrong. Am I setting my children up for trust issues? The guilt eats at me. I see him asleep, and I fret. Will he remember? Will he cry? Will he still be sick? Will he be well, and justify me and my deceit? I pace. I put the other children to bath and bed. I gnaw at my nails, my lip.
He wakes up for his Wii, an hour after his normal bedtime. I honor the agreement and let him have his fifteen minute turn, he knows he must sleep immediately upon completion. Spoiled? Or deceived? He looks ill, but he is smiling. Now I can sleep, too.