I get incident reports from daycare once every three months or so. Usually it is the fault of one of my own children, for throwing something (that found flesh), hitting out, or doing something really inappropriate-like removing their bathing suit in a playroom instead of a bathroom.
Today I began the incident report for the psychologist to use in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitivation and Reprocessing) therapy. It’s going to be a list of incidents, that she uses in stories, while guiding the eye movements of my boys. This takes the traumatic memories and moves them from the frontal lobe to the storage area of the brain, which cuts down on triggering and flashbacks, and hopefully softens the memories to a point where the children won’t rely on them as examples in their behavior. It’s like magic, the way she describes it.
Hardest homework ever. The guilt is crippling me. I am their mother. Everything that has happened to them has been my responsibility. I can only blame myself for it.
The victim advocates told me that the guilt will mess up my parenting tactics, that I will end up spoiling my kids when I should be teaching them. Sometimes I think they’re right, and sometimes I just want to see the kids be happy. I try to play with them more, so that I don’t slip up and let them out of time out early, or let something slide. So I can see them laughing instead of trying to hit me.
It took me a month to write down an incident. I really didn’t want to go back there.