Only one of us is left to diagnose, and that is the baby. She is 9 now, and awaiting an appointment w the specialist at the state university. I chose to wait so I could be certain she was properly screened as I am sure she is a decent masker.
I don’t know if I mentioned I was diagnosed as Autistic 4 years ago. I mostly just sat on the information and thought it wasn’t terribly relevant until my boyfriend complained about my special interest and then never spoke to me again. How I can bring a man to a sweat discussing psychology and interpersonal relationships I do not know. But I always assumed after 3 years together sans a fight that a couple would remain friendly. Seems I have some deficiencies in the relationship side of things if I am a misjudge of character to such an extent.
Currently I am trying to learn about masking, when I do it, if I am conscious of it, can I stop? But such an inherent and instinctive thing, who can can say. I feel like a character in that ridiculous new book by Stephanie Meyer, Host or whatever. Like an alien is attached to my brain stem and I am unaware of how or what it does to my body, the real me asleep somewhere within. The alien being the mask. Which one runs the other? I do not know.
I did succeed in getting the children into the best autistic school in the state, the oldest has begun already and the younger two will attend upon graduating their elementary years. Seventh grade is the start. The school will teach them domestic things as well as the academics, important shit like how to make their mother a cappucino or make their beds. This is a single mom hack, is how I look at it. I need another parent, the school is my stand in.
Sorry I was gone. I was trying to live but I gave up. I was trying to heal but I am hardwired. I did learn to talk more, fear less. So I am writing. I missed you, thanks for reading.
Let’s assume that all religious text is true, no matter the religion it is associated with, regarding the existence and behaviour of God. We cannot pick and choose between them, because each claims itself to be most accurate.
I don’t understand how an all knowing mind with infinite wisdom and infinite powers could be seen as anything other than a bully in light of what it chooses to ignore. Being that it ignores everything. Also, it used to bully races of people that were not it’s chosen people, driving other groups of humans off of lands it deemed reserved for it’s special favourites, advocating genocide, etc.
Fictional superheroes are far superior, with their limited supernatural powers, because they keep trying to make a positive difference in their fictional stories. They have good intentions.
So I know this is not much about complexity, what I am saying, rather it is about value.
God has no value. A God who refuses to make a difference when it has the resources to do so is just useless. I am embarrassed by my fellow man’s devotion to a being who simply does not give a shit.
So it does not demonstrate any complexity, in my view. If I had to admit all religious text and prophets were true, and that God did exist, I would say it was asleep, and had fallen asleep quite some time ago, and that prophets since the last recorded meddling of God in man’s affairs were dreams that God had, people inspired by it’s dreams, rather than a demonstration of any intelligence or long-term planning by that God. Why would a complex and infinitely powerful being act like a shepherd to certain groups and of humans and then just fall off the face of the earth?
There is actually no evidence of long range planning by God that I can see. Just poor decisions, half assed prophets who needed more and more messengers after them, and a lack of concern for the ethical evolution of the human race.
Per religious texts, God does not even have a uniform personality, but rather is subject to fits of temper or mood that varies from book to book, too mercurial to be evaluated or assessed or agreed upon, which, if God were possessed of infinite mind, he could easily have predicted would lead to the sorts of blood baths we are currently witnessing. I don’t see that as complexity. My toddler behaves the same, destroying something one minute, then being helpful the next, then threatening before the hour is out. She has no forethought to how such behaviour will affect her (or me) tomorrow. Indeed, tomorrow barely exists for her, and it seems the same for God.
So if God has infinite power and infinite wisdom, why is it that God still does not show emotional intelligence?
How could you have a being with more wisdom and more everything than us, but no empathy? My son, who lacks Theory of Mind, shows more complexity in his responses, because he shows concern for people and all lesser beings, including ants. My son would get me a bandage if I asked him to, and God would refuse, even though supposedly God could instantly heal my wound.
I obviously know nothing about philosophy. This is an emotional evaluation. More about value. It might be not worth our time to even speculate about God, since God does not interact with us any longer (assuming there was once a God who did).
Probably there is some religious text out there explaining why God went to sleep (currently ignores us). If I assume such text is true, then that might change my argument. But I think not by much.
I know most of this is rambling and not very collected. But I just seriously overloaded on chocolate and have little self control at the moment. Being a decent baker is a curse.
We have been on complete lockdown since Thursday, 3 days, at my insistence. In two more days I will make a run to a store, hopefully they can place everything in my car.
School has been a home affair for one week. I kept the structure up so that it wouldn’t be a shock after a two week absence (they had spring break prior).
They were irritated the first day and I was very stressed. I backed off for a day and let them guide their own learning, only enforcing the scheduling. I decided I am not a teacher, I just have to survive so that someone is here to raise them. Their teachers can teach them remotely, and I can back them up.
If I get sick they would go into foster care, and if I got sick, I have no idea what quarantine would look like for them.
Today Italy lost eight hundred people.
Today my son stole rations and ate more than his share, despite there being food enough for everyone.
Today the same son (middle child) also was disobedient and disrespectful. To be fair, so was his baby sister.
I laid down the rules earlier this week. I was firm.
Tonight I pulled him into my room and forced him to face what he had done, no blaming anyone else, no claims that other children aren’t called to account. Each time today he was in the wrong I forced him to stand up and have a dialogue with me.
I suppose his teachers have to let it slide, with so many students, he assured me he doesn’t do this at school. Not sure why he does with me, then.
I went over the same with his sister after. She had heard, she gave me no trouble.
I can’t let anything slide now, it’s still just me.
None of what I am doing now is unfamiliar to me, I lived w rationing and isolation under their father’s care. I am perfectly suited for this lifestyle. I spent three days in blissful gratitude for my life experience and trauma, buying the staples I remember from 8 years ago. Then I isolated us.
Now everyone is living my former life. Hope you all are safe.
Everything describes autism in my childhood evaluations. But autism was not diagnosed then. What a bunch of bullshit I had to go through. I just can’t let these things happen to my son.
For all the mothers out there who endured/endure abuse from the fathers of their children-I stand with you on this day.
Star In Her Eye
The Neurologist said we had every right to question his advice about seizure medications. He leaned against a paper-covered table, and my husband and I sat in chairs against the wall. Fiona, who was sick with a cold that day, sat in her stroller. “Do you have to follow my recommendations? No,” he said. “You don’t. That’s your right as a parent.”
I was relieved. I’d been hesitant about a particular drug he recommended for Fiona. I wanted to check with the Wolf-Hirschhorn syndrome community and see about other people’s experiences with the drug.
“Let me give you an analogy,” the Neurologist said. Then he told us this story:
He once had a patient who was “profoundly disabled,” he said. She was in a wheelchair. She needed a feeding tube. (There is a way to list these details as facts, and there is a way to list these details as…
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Today I picked up my Oldest Son during a downpour. As we left the front door of his friend’s house I held the little umbrella up over his head. He didn’t realize I had one at first, and he was afraid of the rain and of getting his video game controller wet so he was immediately grateful. He looked back and said “What about you, you don’t have one?” Meaning the umbrella. I told him I didn’t need one, I loved him more. He said “More than yourself, you love me? I thought you loved me and you equally.” I laughed at him and hugged him under the umbrella and told him that’s not how it works. He was so surprised.
One or another of my kids comes home every month talking about hell. Their friends or classmates patiently explain to them that I am going to be going to hell, and that they will, too, if they don’t get it together and believe in x, y, z.
I tried to explain to my kids that this doesn’t work, that you cannot force belief. I asked them to imagine I was full of magic beans instead of blood and bones and etc. The older children got it but the baby couldn’t figure it out. Already the concept of hell is too familiar to her. She can believe that but not magic.
I asked her if it was fair to be in control of a person, their food, their destiny, their every material comfort, and to send them to some horrible place? Like would it be okay if I sent her to her room and told her she could only eat bread? She burst out crying. I have to undo this when she is older. Right now she can’t fathom how ridiculous it is to punish a person for a belief.
Belief is involuntary. Changeable, but involuntary.
I sat the older kids down and explained to them the origins and evolution of the concept of hell in Abrahamic traditions, how it was a valley outside of Jerusalem and etc. Gehennem to Jahannam. I left out the human sacrifice bits, not sure how sound those reports are, anyway. I did impress the smell and the sight of trash burning 24/7 on them, and they understood.
Next week in the city is the Monthly Atheist Picnic, with a playground and etc. I am going to take them just so I can point to the crowd and explain that none of these people believe mommy is going to hell. I hope it comforts them a bit.
I don’t care in what religion they end up, so long as the faith they choose is respectful and empathetic to others, and not just their own.